Saturday, August 29, 2009

Experimental Job Tip: Downplay Yourself

After attending a series of career and networking events (such as this one), I've decided to try something different with my resume. Instead of highlighting stuff like accomplishments and details, I'm going to downplay myself. Because let's face it, the real reasons I'm not finding high-paying, benefit-rich, ultra-satisfying, flexible work are that (a) my celebrity status attracts unwanted attention at prospective employers, and (b) I'm dangerously overqualified.

Below is a draft of my downplayed resume. Do I still come off as too amazing? Let me know what you think. It's hard to downplay yourself when you're me.

Meta Physics
413 North Evanston Avenue, PO Box 10, Planet Earth

Objective: Employment

Skills: Proficient use of 3-hole punch, click pens, and one-sided tape

More Skills
  • reading abilities
  • strong spellor and grammerician
  • excellent attendance, punctuational
  • telephone communication experience
  • proven bullet pointer

Work History
Inventor, BestDateEvar (2009-Present)
Tutor, Wu-Tang Learning Center (1997-2003)
Birthday Party Attender (1985-1992)
Dinosaur Farmer (seasonal)

Discount of Arts (expected 2012), Eddie's Online University Outlet
  • Major: Calendar Studies
  • Minor: Medicinal Living
  • Activities: Treasurer, Anti-Family Movement; Cardmaster, Diners Club

Computer Training: on/off, electronic mails, space bar, HMO

Hobbies: treasure hunting, telescoping

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Dream Girl

The other night I had this amazing dream. In it, I was taking an online quiz to determine what type of online quiz-maker I was. Then I had another dream. This one was about a girl. When I woke up that afternoon, I hopped online. Because you know what they say: if it happens or exists in a dream, then robot dolphin can think it.

Maaaaan, you should have seen this girl. But you can’t. Because it was my dream. And unless we crossover-link dream world memory drives, that’s not gonna happen. So, since you can’t see her, I’ll describe her.

Okay, here we go. She likes to have fun and live life. Her job and family are important to her. She is looking for that someone special. Her ideal mate is compatible. She doesn’t like games. Um, what else? Like me, her interests include conversation and she’s never been married. She doesn’t have any pets but likes birds. Her favorite hot spots include a mix of college Spring Break destinations and shopping. And oh yeah, I almost forgot, her attitude toward online dating is something along the line of “I can’t believe I’m doing this!” I mean, really, she just wants to see what happens.

Now, you may be thinking that this girl sounds like every other girl--but that’s where you’re wrong. This girl possesses a unique quality nobody else has. Something that separates her from all the other girls in Dream Land. Something that makes her irresistible. This girl likes to listen to music, watch movies, and hang out with her friends.

Please let me know if you see this girl in your dream or in your robot dolphin’s thought bubble. And try to get her number for me. Thanks in advance.

Dream Girl, if you’re reading this, I’ve secured a Visa for you. Come join me in the waking world and let’s see what happens! My Maxwell records await.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Freaky Friday: My Mom Likes OutKast

The other day I had the car radio dial set to NPR. I was listening to the story of the first black quarterback in the NFL. My mom turned to me and asked, “What is this?”

It was obvious she didn’t care for my listening selection. “It’s public radio, Ma.” I said this in my most grown-up-do-your-homework-turn-that-TV-down-and-eat-your-vegetables voice.

Since I wasn't too invested in the program, I started to scan other stations. After all, it was her birthday. “Oh, I like this song!” my mom said. And for the next three minutes, she bopped her head and slapped her thigh to OutKast’s ‘Hey Ya!'

Have the roles of mother and son been reversed? Is my mom cooler than me?

I like public radio. She likes Andre 3000. I have a beat-up Samsung flip phone. She has a sleek touch screen device. She goes out with “the girls.” I go out “to work.” I think it’s only a matter of time before I stumble across her reality TV gossip blog. Just this morning she sent out a mass text of her predictions for this season's ABDC. Looks like I’ll be joining the “what your kid is really up to” parenting group on Facebook sooner than I thought.

That's okay. Next year, for her present, I'll be making a donation to NPR in her name.

Monday, August 17, 2009

A Hiker's Rough Draft to the Galaxy

This weekend I went hiking at Starved Rock State Park. We got lost on the way there. This totally makes sense because Starved Rock sounds like a really skinny rock, which probably makes it hard to see.

Immersing myself into nature changed my life. I got to experience things that only happen in the wild. I laughed at an abandoned recliner in the Illinois River. I became friends with a fish named Roger. I smeared mud on my face to signify my regression into noble savagehood. I karate-chopped a waterfall. And I vandalized a bridge by writing “vandalizm not permitted” on it.

While I was busy challenging the limitations of the human spirit, Marj (my hiking partner) was busy tumbling down the side of a jagged canyon. “Golly,” I said under my breath. “Maybe I should start taking this time as a serious opportunity to learn more about myself.”

And that’s exactly what I did. Marj cleaned up her wounds with a mapkin (*1) and I began a hardcore soul search. I searched, and searched, and searched, but to no avail, I returned to civilization still unable to understand Tyler Perry movies.

*map-kin (n.)
1: a wet map used as a napkin.
2: a map drawn on a cloth or towel.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

The Anti-Family Movement

Due to the overwhelming support I’ve received in response to The Family Deception, I’ve decided to start the Anti-Family Movement.

As previously discussed, families are granted all types of privileges. This is not only dangerous (notice the "lies" in family), it is also unjust. Established groups have organizations that advocate for their rights. Family rights. Gay rights. Warrior rights. That’s cool and all, but where does this leave non-gays, non-warriors, and non-gay warriors?

This is where the Anti-Family Movement comes in. We fight for:
  • Logical tax breaks. Parents can claim dependents because they have children. That’s fine, but family-sized refunds should be issued to those without kids.

  • Tighter airport security. Families get to go through a special security line. This is almost right. But it needs to be “on ice.”

  • Improved public health. If you arrive in public with more than 3 blood relatives, you should pay a toll for sidewalk damage and space pollution.

  • New rules of the road. Drivers without family passengers should have higher speed limits and the right to flying cars.

  • Fair access to smaller, cheaper (and often better) meals. Maybe I don’t want a steak. Maybe I want four taco nuggets, a grape juice box, and an applesauce cup.

Please support the Anti-Family Movement by wearing a button, designing a float for the upcoming parade, or taking interest in summer work for students that pays $1500 a month.