Time Management for Dumbies

Have you ever missed your morning train because you stayed up really late to finish a book on time management? I have. So trust me when I tell you that the secret of effective time management is having stuff to do. Once you have stuff to do, you can plan out your day by creating a timetable. For example, here is what my tomorrow looks like.

9:50 am: wake up in panic over whether I can still get Hotcakes

9:51 am: nap

11:00 am: watch Max & Ruby while monitoring Facebook for paranormal activities

12:00 Noon: eat breakfast

12:15 pm: shower

12:17 pm: affirm self through self-affirmations

1:17 pm: drive to work/eat

2:00 pm: hustle dairy products/eat x 6

11:30 pm: hit playground

12:30 am: approve ten-dollar deals from my jPhone/eat

1:00 am: mindstorm ideas like “Mini Bagel Bites” and “Bagel Bites, Now 25% Bigger!”

2:00 am: ghostwrite Too $hort proverbs

3:00 am: eat/eat

3:67 am: fall asleep promising self tomorrow is the day for Hotcakes

If your day isn’t organized like this, I suggest you miss a train.

Univercell Upgrade

I got a new phone this week. It was like buying a pair of jeans but twice as hard and reversed. Finding the right jeans is hard because there are buku options. Finding the right cell phone is hard because they only make them for business types and 12-year-old girls. So, unless you happen to be an iPerson, you’re stuck choosing between a device that looks like a cracked-out calculator that invited too many buttons to the party and accidentally shrunk itself with the company ray gun or the cutesy neon square thing that Hello Kitty uses to stay in touch with Goodbye Mouse.

I went with a knockoff iPhone. I call it my jPhone.

My Life Code

Livin’ the dream. Livin’ large. Livin’ and let livin’. These are the responses I give to those who ask how I am. But what do these phrases really mean? Are they just empty words? Conversation filler? Arbitrary vowels surrounding by lots of Ls and apostrophes? No, no, and maybe. But on the serious tip, when I say these things, I’m communicating my life code. Let me break it down for you.

• Livin’ the dream. If I don’t live the dream, the dream lives me. If this happens, I might as well forget my dream of taking over the family dream catcher business.


• Livin’ large. It’s the only way. Large is the new moderate. Forget the Greeks. I live in a world ruled by Hip hop and Starbucks, not right triangles and reason.


• Livin’ and let livin’, aka the Goldenrod Rule. I treat others like their endings mean something, not as robots.

These ideas have helped me through the most challenging of times. Give them a shot.

Soon to be available on shower curtains.