Friday, July 17, 2009

Become a Warrior

For the past 3 months, I’ve been training for the Warrior Dash, a 6K obstacle course which will have me swimming through mud pits, scrambling over mangled cars, and leaping over fire. But training to become a warrior has required more than just preparing to complete dangerously awesome physical feats. I've also been living by the Warrior Code of Honor. Here is a list of things you can do if you hope to one day become a warrior like me:
  • Crawl up hills. If it’s one you’ve crawled before, try to beat your previous time. If for some reason you can’t crawl up the hill (like if you’re on your way to a job interview where you need to be especially clean), you should at least predict how fast you could crawl up it.

  • Visualize often. Like a lot. Suck at visualization? No prob. Visualize about visualizing (also known as meta-visualization).

  • Take risks when you play softball. Run fast and slide hard. A 9-inning game should result in at least 3 bloody wounds on your own body.

  • Climb ropes. Ropes are like hills, except it’s more difficult to run up a rope. Be careful to use proper hand protection if sliding down a rope. Rope burn is embarrassing (but on the plus slide, it allows you to make up badass stories about how you beat up a tiger shark after it repeatedly made passes at a lady who wasn’t interested).

  • Get a Mohawk. Having one is the equivalent of sliding into every base just because you can. True warriors give themselves Mohawks by lining their heads with medical tape so they don’t shave the wrong parts.

  • Eat salmon for breakfast and yogurt at least twice a day. On the warrior diet, three veggie dogs equal one serving.

  • Train like your ancestors. Warriors don’t life weights at the gym—they use playgrounds to build natural upper body strength.

  • Blog. Great warriors keep the warrior spirit alive by blogging about warrior tradition and lifestyle. They also name their blogs after things that 6-year-old girls like.

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