Judgment Day

Tupac believed that only God could judge us. Well, it’s a good thing he’s dead (Pac, not God), because this past weekend I was judging like Greg Mathis let loose on 26th and California, except I was doing it at a speech tournament in the middle of Corn Country. Here’s how it worked: For 10 bucks a round, I—guided by my lackluster credentials and finite widsom—got to decide which speakers would advance to the next stage of life.

My morning started out with a round of informative speeches. Here, I learned about robot fish, a home-made heroin substitute, and how to use of urine as an alternative energy source. As I ranked these speakers, I thought: Yeeeeah, if Pac were here, I’d judge the thug outta him. Then I thought the same thought in Spanish. But then I backed off because I thought Pac’s ghost might rip my face off, write thugmatic poetry on the back of it, and sell it as previously unreleased material.

While my first round of speeches was familiar territory, the next event (in which speakers recited dramatic stories) was completely new to me. Not having any idea of what criteria to evaluate these speakers on, I did what any good judge would do: I acted like I was listening and oathed to myself that I would name my first newborns “Thurgood” and “Ito.”

Next up was the extemperaneous round. Speakers had to prepare a persuasive speech on a topic given to them only 30 minutes prior. Subjects included politics, politics, and the decline of tourism in Portugal—things that I deeply care nothing about.

Today I shared my recent judging experience, provided some insightful observations based on that experience, and demonstrated my unconditional luv for Tupac. The day was also filled with tons of puns and a 2-star hotel, but a judge-l-man never tells all.

All Natural Job Opportunities

I found these job ads on Idealist.org for a new health foods store in the Chicagoland area. Let me know if you're interested. I'll message you the link.

ASSOCIATE U-BOAT TECHNICIAN

Position type: 1/3 time

Job ID: 60568

Position Overview:
As a member of our Retail Team, your role will include servicing the store’s fleet of u-boats.

Responsibilities & Duties:

1. Comply with federal regulations and policies regarding organic cart transport systems.
   
2. Follow advancements in u-boat theory and its application in holistic retail environments.
   
3. Educate fellow staff on historical significance of mid-20th century submarine warfare.
   
4. Perform other duties as assigned by Retail Team Leader, Associate Retail Team Leader, or Elias.

Requirements:

1. A desire to work with blue objects.
   
2. A desire to not knock over wine displays with u-boats.
   
3. Ability to resist taking off the “U” part of the boat and using it as a sword.
   
4. Lift loads exceeding 500 lbs unassisted.

BANANA MARKETING SPECIALIST

Position type: Crucial

Job ID: 60449

Position Overview:
As a member of our Promotions Team, your role will include marketing bananas, marketing products with natural banana flavoring, and marketing products that promote banana consumption.

Responsibilities & Duties:

1. Surprise and delight customers with 'gorilla' marketing techniques.
   
2. Maximize banana size with company ray gun.
   
3. Maximize banana quantity with company duplicator gun.
   
4. Cater to and support banana culture in national, regional, and store programs.

Requirements:

1. Ability to market yellow fruit proactively.
   
2. Minimum of 2 years banana-eating experience or equivalent of 5000 consumed bananas.
   
3. Must be currently of (or evolved from) the hominidae family.
   
   

I’m No Bruce Willis

Have you heard of "the illusion of upward social mobility"? According to this idea, the social class that you are born into is the social class in which you will remain. In other words, the American Dream of starting from scratch and making it big is a myth.

Maybe this explains why I work in the dairy cooler at a grocery store. It may not pay much, and the hours can be unfavorable, but it’s an honest paycheck—and in a world where occupation and ascribed social status are synonymous, it may be my destiny.

The thing is, when I think of destinies, I think of self-sacrificing heroics, like jumping into a volcano to save the dinosaurs or what Bruce Willis does at the end of Armageddon, not hourly jobs. But, as a recent Pew study reports, destinies, as thought of by 72% of wireless Internet users, are as much practical as they are heroic. Bruce Willis did not just fulfill his duty as a hero. He also, quite pragmatically, saved Earth and the human race.

Now, I’m no Bruce Willis. Statistically speaking, that guy is average. I think I’m more of an outlier. Practicality seems to out power the heroics of my fortune as a dairyman by about 10,000:1. And this is fine with me. I’m a practical guy. My job’s pay and status align well with my lack of desires. I won’t want a car payment. I don’t want a dog. I don’t want to save Earth.

My not wanting of things and predisposition to working in retail became apparent when I met Dennis. Dennis and I met in front of the dairy case. I made a baba ghanoush recommendation. He made a playing card disappear. The next thing I knew I was in an unmarked business complex interviewing with his boss for an opportunity to sell Tupperware insurance.

BOSS: If you woke up tomorrow and didn’t have to worry about money, what would you do?

ME: I’d probably run a little, read some, and keep busy by working somewhere where I had access to food.

BOSS: Sooooooo, you’d do the same thing you’re doing now?

ME: ...Yeah, I guess. (Though there would probably be a considerable more amount of time dedicated to grilling vegetables and listening to Eazy-E records, be he didn’t need to know that.)

Unimpressed with the promise of making big money and a difference in the world by way of plastic container protection plans, I decided that getting solicited for a life path by an amateur magician in front of the humus display was probably not the best way to upgrade destinies. So instead, I went one worse by checking in with family members who had no idea what type of fate I was looking for.

My grandma, who made a life out of taking jobs that nobody else wanted, told me that Best Buy was hiring. I told her that was fantastic. Then I told her that I already had a retail job.

Understanding my lack of interest in a lateral move, my mom gave me a napkin with a web address scribbled on it. “Check this out,” she said. “This guy said they are looking for good people.”

I checked it out. It was a job posting for a senior-level helicopter repair technician. I imagined myself in a baby blue jumpsuit wearing a tool belt that held really tiny hammers and saying things like “Here’s our problem. The rear hemi axel blade is low on trans capacitor fluid.” I daydreamt a little more, hoping that the helicopters I would get to work on would be of the stealth variety, but then I reminded myself that my publishing internships probably didn’t qualify me to fix flying vehicles, let alone flying vehicles that could disappear.

With family leads shot, I revisited Craigslist—and though it may be great for finding slightly-used, third-generation, 4 GB pink iPods with minor scratches, I don’t recommend putting much stock in the ‘pin the tale on the destiny magic 8 ball’ app. Mine kept coming up as Assistant Manager at Nike Outlet Store (aka no thanks, but will reconsider in 6 months).

Only after this series of events did I realize that this was just the Societal Godpeople’s way of getting me to accept my vocational decree. And with that, I'm able to strut to my aluminum-encased, 30-degree office, taking solace in the fact that the Government won'’t be calling on this guy to save the planet when the jig is up. Hopefully, they’ll call Dennis. I heard he’s good people.

An Open Cover Letter to Lil Wayne

July 30, 2010

Dwayne Carter
Best Rapper Alive
Eric M. Taylor Center (AKA jail)
10-10 Hazen Street
East Elmhurst, NY 11370


To Mr. Carter:

I am writing to apply for the Young Money Associate Fan position posted on Yahoo! HotJobs. My interest in this position is based on the following objectives:

1. To aid Young Money Entertainment in providing the highest quality music imaginable
2. To further my career in educational publishing

As a practiced fanatic, I have the background and skill set that is necessary to support your record label’s positive image during your prison sentence. Key qualifications for my candidacy include an online certification in Youth and Money Studies, experience commenting on YouTube videos, and an overall mastery of the entire fanatic process.

In addition to 2 plus years of accomplished zealotry, I also possess the killer instinct to ‘penser de façon originale' (that's French for 'think outside de box'). As an Intern Fan for Gucci Mane, I Simpsonized an image of Gucci and made it available on CafePress. This idea alone generated a bottom line revenue increase surplus of $26.70 for the Gucci Mane/OJ da Juiceman 32 Entertainment estate.

If that's not convincing enough, know that I own five variations of the “FREE WEEZY” t-shirt, and I wear them all the time as a testament to you being the political prisoner of our generation. I even have a tattoo with your name across my chest, and my girlfriend is jealous because I talk about you 24/7.

Weezy F Baby, I am confident I can help you, Drake, Nicki Minaj, and that other guy continue to be on every single song on the radio. Please contact me to discuss this in more detail.

Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Young Money 4EVR,
Meta Physics

P.S. I think I’m an alien too!

Experimental Job Tip: Downplay Yourself

After attending a series of career and networking events (such as this one), I've decided to try something different with my resume. Instead of highlighting stuff like accomplishments and details, I'm going to downplay myself. Because let's face it, the real reasons I'm not finding high-paying, benefit-rich, ultra-satisfying, flexible work are that (a) my celebrity status attracts unwanted attention at prospective employers, and (b) I'm dangerously overqualified.

Below is a draft of my downplayed resume. Do I still come off as too amazing? Let me know what you think. It's hard to downplay yourself when you're me.
...............................................................................................................
Meta Physics413 North Evanston Avenue, PO Box 10, Planet Earth
Objective: Employment

Skills: Proficient use of 3-hole punch, click pens, and one-sided tape

More Skills

• reading abilities
• strong spellor and grammerician
• excellent attendance, punctuational
• telephone communication experience
• proven bullet pointer

Work History
Inventor, BestDateEvar (2009-Present)
Tutor, Wu-Tang Learning Center (1997-2003)
Birthday Party Attender (1985-1992)
Dinosaur Farmer (seasonal)

Smarts
Discount of Arts (expected 2012), Eddie's Online University Outlet

• Major: Calendar Studies
  
• Minor: Medicinal Living
  
• Activities: Treasurer, Anti-Family Movement; Cardmaster, Diners Club

Computer Training: on/off, electronic mails, space bar, HMO

Hobbies: treasure hunting, telescoping

Risky Business

Free wine, fancy cupcakes, and an excuse to dance like a stripper. These are some of the perks I received my first night out as an escort. That's right, escort. As a recent graduate in a tough job market, I've decided to flex some entrepreneurial muscle.

My idea to start an escort organization came in response to a text message I received from a friend in need of a last-minute date to a wedding. She needed help, and this was a great opportunity for me to try my hand at one of those superhero/businessperson mashups I've been reading so much about. And just like that, BestDateEvar, Chicagoland's first nonprofit escort service, was born.

With less than a 24-hour notice, I prepared for the wedding by watching Rocky Balboa twice and asking my 'escortee' what color dress she was going to wear. This is how BestDateEvar is different and better than all those services listed in the Yellow Pages or on craigslist. I bring the eye of the tiger and get the important details almost right.

Though photos may suggest otherwise, I take my role as an escort seriously. Sure, I may have been seven minutes late picking up my date. And sure, I may not have been able to wear my suit jacket because of noticeable pudding stains. But did I park in the 'no parking' zone like I usually do? No way. As a role model and future icon for my community and yours, I can't be doing stuff like that--on the clock.

My escortee said I exceeded her expectations--I think. I can't remember exactly. Drinking eight glasses of wine before sunset, though escort credo, does not guarantee successful memory bank deposits. Regardless, she did post, "You da bomb like tick...tick..." on my Facebook wall.

With my first client in the books, I have high hopes for BestDateEvar. I want to make it one of the premier escort services in the world. And eventually, I want to get the pudding stains removed from my suit.