Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Judgment Day

Tupac believed that only God could judge us. Well, it’s a good thing he’s dead (Pac, not God), because this past weekend I was judging like Greg Mathis let loose on 26th and California, except I was doing it at a speech tournament in the middle of Corn Country. Here’s how it worked: For 10 bucks a round, I—guided by my lackluster credentials and finite widsom—got to decide which speakers would advance to the next stage of life.

My morning started out with a round of informative speeches. Here, I learned about robot fish, a home-made heroin substitute, and how to use of urine as an alternative energy source. As I ranked these speakers, I thought: Yeeeeah, if Pac were here, I’d judge the thug outta him. Then I thought the same thought in Spanish. But then I backed off because I thought Pac’s ghost might rip my face off, write thugmatic poetry on the back of it, and sell it as previously unreleased material.

While my first round of speeches was familiar territory, the next event (in which speakers recited dramatic stories) was completely new to me. Not having any idea of what criteria to evaluate these speakers on, I did what any good judge would do: I acted like I was listening and oathed to myself that I would name my first newborns “Thurgood” and “Ito.”

Next up was the extemperaneous round. Speakers had to prepare a persuasive speech on a topic given to them only 30 minutes prior. Subjects included politics, politics, and the decline of tourism in Portugal—things that I deeply care nothing about.

Today I shared my recent judging experience, provided some insightful observations based on that experience, and demonstrated my unconditional luv for Tupac. The day was also filled with tons of puns and a 2-star hotel, but a judge-l-man never tells all.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

All Natural Job Opportunities

I found these job ads on Idealist.org for a new health foods store in the Chicagoland area. Let me know if you're interested. I'll message you the link.


Position type: 1/3 time

Job ID: 60568

Position Overview:
As a member of our Retail Team, your role will include servicing the store’s fleet of u-boats.

Responsibilities & Duties:
  1. Comply with federal regulations and policies regarding organic cart transport systems.
  2. Follow advancements in u-boat theory and its application in holistic retail environments.
  3. Educate fellow staff on historical significance of mid-20th century submarine warfare.
  4. Perform other duties as assigned by Retail Team Leader, Associate Retail Team Leader, or Elias.
  1. A desire to work with blue objects.
  2. A desire to not knock over wine displays with u-boats.
  3. Ability to resist taking off the “U” part of the boat and using it as a sword.
  4. Lift loads exceeding 500 lbs unassisted.


Position type: Crucial

Job ID: 60449

Position Overview:
As a member of our Promotions Team, your role will include marketing bananas, marketing products with natural banana flavoring, and marketing products that promote banana consumption.

Responsibilities & Duties:
  1. Surprise and delight customers with 'gorilla' marketing techniques.
  2. Maximize banana size with company ray gun.
  3. Maximize banana quantity with company duplicator gun.
  4. Cater to and support banana culture in national, regional, and store programs.
  1. Ability to market yellow fruit proactively.
  2. Minimum of 2 years banana-eating experience or equivalent of 5000 consumed bananas.
  3. Must be currently of (or evolved from) the hominidae family.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

If I Ruled the World

Ruling the world. We’ve all thought about it. Tears for Fears confirmed it. Nas made a song or two about it. Even I, during long stretches in the dairy cooler, have ruminated on how I—if given the job—would run this crazy place we call world.

So, if I ruled the world . . .
  • School districts would have salary caps. And for every dollar a district goes over its cap, it would have to give $10,000 to a neighboring district in need.

  • Tavis Smiley and Barak Obama would trade places. This would allow Tavis to speak while standing up and Obama to host a radio show with Cornell West. A pretty sweet deal for both.

  • The Fugees would still be making music together. Get to work. Ain’t none of you dead.

  • The highest salaries would go to the most important jobs: teachers and retail workers.

  • Noise would be quieter.

  • Silence would be louder.

  • 1996 Tercels would be exempt from speeding tickets.

I’d ask how you would rule, but I’m pretty confident that you’d pretty much do the same stuff I would.

Also, I would only rule the world for two years. I’m not trying to Mayor Daley this thing. Give me two years, take notice of the vast improvements I’ve made, then reunite the madness that is Smiley and West.

Monday, January 17, 2011

My Review of 'Black Swan'

A psychological thriller set in the world of New York City strip clubs, Black Swan stars Natalie Portman as Nina, an exotic dancer who discovers she is the mutant lovechild of giant swans: one white and one black. Besides grappling with the obvious oh-my-god-my-parents-are-birds thing, Nina also struggles with her newfound biracial identity, and like all who are haunted by mixed heritage, she questions the worth of her existence.

Portman gives a wonderfully disturbing performance. From her climatic girl-on-girl “homework” to her willingness to undergo swan leg implant surgery for the Kafkaesque role, her passionate portrayal of a mulatto bird woman is as real as it gets. Black Swan will—without a doubt—alter Portman’s career and sex life.

Director Darren Aronofsky (Requiem for a Dream, The Wrestler) does what he does best: craft artistic, edgy films about “don’t ask, don’t tell” matters. With Swan, he unabashedly handles the delicate subject of mixed-race bird freaks with care. Especially attentive is his decision to score the film to a chopped and screwed version of Kanye West’s My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy.

Black Swan is the most important movie about whiteness, blackness, and birdness this year.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Red No. 40 is the New Vitamin D

The cover story in this Sunday's Chicago Tribune is on the potential harm of artificial food coloring. Supposedly, research suggests that the synthetic hues used in food are linked to rashes and attention disorders, especially in children. This infuriates me. I’ve eaten colorful food-like stuff my entire life and…wait, what was I writing about?

Anyways, the title of the article asks, "Are Food Dyes Worth the Risk?" Duh! People, come on already. You can’t live your life in a cave and expect to become the star of car insurance commercials. You have to go out and take risks. Besides, it’s not even that big a deal. I mean, if it just affects kids, who cares? They don’t have jobs. They aren’t the president.

For those of you concerned about "the future," allow me to give you a scientific history lesson. Humans evolved. The ones who survived were good. The ones who died were bad or old. At one point in time, every person was lactose intolerant. Then, some genius was born with a mutation that allowed that genius to consume animal milk without puking. That genius had sex with lots of people. This filled the planet with milk-drinking humans. This is how we came to be. It’s called survival of the best, and it makes us better, attractiver, and smarterer people (trust me, cave chicks were not that hot). My point is, we should be encouraging genetic mutations, not playing it safe. And yes, there are still people who are lactose intolerant today, but they are ugly.

Nowadays, you have all these books saying this and that about food. And they do it to the movies too. All that stuff is nonsense! In the movies, the real ones, do you see people in the future eating vegetables? No, only food from tubes. The next thing you know, these "authors" will be telling us we shouldn’t be eating the packaging the food comes in! I got to hand it to Morgan Spurlock though. That guy was on to something. Still, he was too weak. People like him need to die. If you can’t flourish on a diet of McDonald’s and Go-Gurt, that's fine, but don't get in the way of superhuman evolution. Besides, we need to protect the food product industry. If it disappears, how are we supposed to eat? What jobs will we have? You can’t expect people to farm in ties and pant suits. And even if we did farm, how would we know when to stop? And what if it rains?

Blue No. 1 and Orange B are not killing me. They are making me, you, and our species stronger. And if I have to endure some itching, so be it. I just hope that my dietary commitment to the superhuman is enough to combat the ill intentions of those who eat food that comes out of the ground.