Of Books for Women

The other night a friend was scanning the bookcase in my shared office.

“Are these books yours?” she asked.
“No, those are my mom’s. She’s really into Zizek, KRS-One, and cyborgs.”

Of course, I was kidding—my mom hates cyborgs. But is it that farfetched to believe that she’d be into Lacanian psychoanalysis and boom bap philosophy? Not when she (giver of birth) is currently reading the autobiography of an Olympic snowboarder, and I (finisher of marathon) am reading a book on the female brain.

Some might think this opposite book thing is cool—and it is cool to hear your mom’s take on 50 Cent’s new self-help title—but when company is over and spots a copy of Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough or The Go-Girl Guide: Surviving your 20s with Savvy, Soul, and Style, and they find out it’s mine, it can get weird.

“Wait, you’re reading that?”
“Actually, I just finished it.”
“You read the whole thing?”
“Yeah, I read the whole thing.”
“Why?”

At this point, I usually walk into trouble. I try to explain that I’m curious about how I, post-postmodern man, am being represented in this literature, something that is not targeted toward me, but which, in a way, is very much about me. Though it never comes out that way.

“I’m really into things that are not for me.”
“Like?”
“Like things that are for women.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, especially younger women and girls.”
“You’re into younger girls?”
“No…you…damn it...that came out wrong.”

Awkward justifications aside, I find these books very insightful. For example, in Marry Him, Lori Gottlieb writes that marriage is not about metaphysics. How true! Marriage should not be about some dairy guy who works out at the playground.

Throughout my savvy, soulful studies, I’ve also discovered three universal truths.

1. Males and females have different parts.
2. Only females can give birth.
3. Females tend to write more about the differences between males and females than males do.

Someday, if Mr. Barely Enough ever decides to show up, I plan to turn these truths into a book of my very own. And if the genre has anything to say about it, you can bet the cover will be painted with pinks and reds and that the title will not match the content inside. After all, according to Gottlieb and friends, I exhibit many of the characteristics of a stylish, independent woman—and stylish, independent women write books. Yay! And rawr.

Dream Girl

The other night I had this amazing dream. In it, I was taking an online quiz to determine what type of online quiz-maker I was. Then I had another dream. This one was about a girl. When I woke up that afternoon, I hopped online. Because you know what they say: if it happens or exists in a dream, then robot dolphin can think it.

Maaaaan, you should have seen this girl. But you can’t. Because it was my dream. And unless we crossover-link dream world memory drives, that’s not gonna happen. So, since you can’t see her, I’ll describe her.

Okay, here we go. She likes to have fun and live life. Her job and family are important to her. She is looking for that someone special. Her ideal mate is compatible. She doesn’t like games. Um, what else? Like me, her interests include conversation and she’s never been married. She doesn’t have any pets but likes birds. Her favorite hot spots include a mix of college Spring Break destinations and shopping. And oh yeah, I almost forgot, her attitude toward online dating is something along the line of “I can’t believe I’m doing this!” I mean, really, she just wants to see what happens.

Now, you may be thinking that this girl sounds like every other girl--but that’s where you’re wrong. This girl possesses a unique quality nobody else has. Something that separates her from all the other girls in Dream Land. Something that makes her irresistible. This girl likes to listen to music, watch movies, and hang out with her friends.

Please let me know if you see this girl in your dream or in your robot dolphin’s thought bubble. And try to get her number for me. Thanks in advance.

Dream Girl, if you’re reading this, I’ve secured a Visa for you. Come join me in the waking world and let’s see what happens! My Maxwell records await.