Monday, September 14, 2009

The Power of Theo

TheosoFest was a bit different than I expected. Get this. It was NOT a celebration of Theo Huxtable. Apparently, Theo is not short for Theoso. Still, despite the initial disappointment, I had an awesome time.

I started out my day at the Fest by attending a lecture on magic. And since I'm pretty smart, I know that the talk itself was a demonstration of magic. The speaker's use of terms like “astral” and “ethereal” to silicate oohs and aahs from the audience totally gave it away. I mean, that’s like, straight black magic. Trust me, I went to a high school in a suburb that had two Hot Topics.

After the lecture, I visited booths filled with healing crystal vendors, New Age chiropractors, and representatives from the religion of the Light and Sound of God. I wanted to get a toe reading, but the line was toe long. Instead, I got a psychic reading from a chain smoker named Linda. According to Linda, I’m an old-souled silent warrior who fought along side the Native Americans in many great battles and my life will really come together in 2014 once I’ve completed an online degree in spiritual facilitation. I know, she's good.

Once Linda and I returned to our respective realities, I almost drowned in a whirlpool of COEXIST stickers and Madame Blavatsky shrines. I didn’t drown though, because I two-wayed my spirit animal—a flying version of Grimace from McDonaldland—and he rescued me.

Grimace needed to refuel, so I fed him some plastic Indian food before piggybacking a flight to the most anticipated event of the Fest, the presentation “Bees: Why Are They Leaving? What Does It Mean?” Unfortunately, this presentation didn't have anything to do with the fate of the Wu-Tang Clan. That’s okay though, because the guy sitting next to me was a medium, and he channeled Malcolm-Jamal Warner’s future great grandchild—who then signed my 8 x 10 glossy of Theo with a zero energy Sharpie. Nice guy too, he only charged me 26 bucks. Oddly enough, that’s all the cash I had left.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

i jus wanna b, i jus wanna b success-filled

With my 10-year high school reunion coming up in less than two weeks, I’m beginning to question this whole idea of success. What is it? Can I buy it online? And most importantly, does it come in periwinkle?

Yes, I’ll admit it, I’m a little concerned with how I’ll measure up to people I never cared for, got along with, and haven’t seen or talked to in a decade. I mean, don’t get it twisted, I think I’ve already lived a pretty full life. At 28 years young, I’ve held the Northern Illinois University Department of Communication Graduate Teaching Assistant NBA Jam Championship title, tried exotic foods like spinach, and posted “life is good” as my Facebook status. But I feel something is missing. Even my LinkedIn profile is only 90% complete.

So the challenge presents itself: How do I appear 100% for my reunion?

Here’s my plan. First, I’m going to merge two of the most popular schools of thought on life, the “Live, Love, Laugh” school and the “Love to Live Life” school. Once I’ve created this new life philosophy (a la Jeet Kune Do), I’ll self-publish it as an e-manual and skim a chapter each night before bed. Then, I’ll wake up really early to meet up with my MADE coach so we can decide what size long sleeve shirt I should get before we submit my late registration to the Rat Race. I’ll probably pick up a Nike + iPod as well.

That’s phase one. That’s the easy part. Phase two will consist of the difficult stuff: business cards and women. I’m not sure exactly what card design I’m gonna go with, but the current front-runner is a shrunken version of my vision board (“Meta Physics” in platinum on a jet black background with “Model-Millionaire-Movie Star” underneath).

As for the better/worse halves, I’ll be sending out a casting call on Twitter. This will be a great opportunity for a few lucky ladies to play my wife, my ex-wife, my second baby’s mama, and my current mistress. And please, don’t be offended if I ask you to audition for another role because you’re clearly more ex-wife than you are second baby’s mama.

Well, seeing that I don't have much time to do all this, I better get started the day after tomorrow. Hopefully, by September 19, I’ll be able to proudly introduce myself as “Meta Physics, now 10% better.” Won't nobody beat that with a stick a gum.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

"Butterfly in the Sky (A Memorial Rap for Reading Rainbow)"

I'm sure you've heard the devastating news. Reading Rainbow has been canceled after a 26-year run. If you're anything like me, this show helped learn you not hate books as much. Anyway, I just got off the iPhone with Jay and, over our tears, we co-wrote "Butterfly in the Sky (A Memorial Rap for Reading Rainbow)." Check it out.

La da da da, hey hey hey, goodbye

Only author to rewrite history with a robot dolphin pen
Time for the greatest story of all stories to begin
Howard Zinn, Howard Zinn

This is anti-colorful stuff, death of the Rainbo
This ain’t for libraries, this ain’t for the book sto
This is Seal at the Garden, scarred for-ev-oh
This morning I’m in mourning
I know it sounds corny but
All I wanna do is take a look in a book
Those who canceled the show be straight crooked crooks
I know we facing a forward recession
But the loss of this homie just make me depressed, maaaan
The downfall of lit apprecia-shaaan
How much will these kidz hafta face, maaaan?
This writer gets reminiscent
The death of double R, I already miss it
The rainbow gone, who done killed it?
The love for books suffers, now let’s rebuild it
We all need hugz, that’s what the deal iz
So put the book down and take time to feel it
My heart is the beat of this beating
Damn it feels good to rap about reading
I’ll return to the book one day again
But I guess I’ll have to watch Nick Jr. 'til then

La da da da, hey hey hey, goodbye