Friday, July 30, 2010

An Open Cover Letter to Lil Wayne

July 30, 2010

Dwayne Carter
Best Rapper Alive
Eric M. Taylor Center (AKA jail)
10-10 Hazen Street
East Elmhurst, NY 11370


To Mr. Carter:

I am writing to apply for the Young Money Associate Fan position posted on Yahoo! HotJobs. My interest in this position is based on the following objectives:

1. To aid Young Money Entertainment in providing the highest quality music imaginable
2. To further my career in educational publishing

As a practiced fanatic, I have the background and skill set that is necessary to support your record label’s positive image during your prison sentence. Key qualifications for my candidacy include an online certification in Youth and Money Studies, experience commenting on YouTube videos, and an overall mastery of the entire fanatic process.

In addition to 2 plus years of accomplished zealotry, I also possess the killer instinct to ‘penser de fa├žon originale' (that's French for 'think outside de box'). As an Intern Fan for Gucci Mane, I Simpsonized an image of Gucci and made it available on CafePress. This idea alone generated a bottom line revenue increase surplus of $26.70 for the Gucci Mane/OJ da Juiceman 32 Entertainment estate.

If that's not convincing enough, know that I own five variations of the “FREE WEEZY” t-shirt, and I wear them all the time as a testament to you being the political prisoner of our generation. I even have a tattoo with your name across my chest, and my girlfriend is jealous because I talk about you 24/7.

Weezy F Baby, I am confident I can help you, Drake, Nicki Minaj, and that other guy continue to be on every single song on the radio. Please contact me to discuss this in more detail.

Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Young Money 4EVR,
Meta Physics

P.S. I think I’m an alien too!

Sunday, July 25, 2010

You Can't Blog Your Way into Heaven

I don’t like writing. Many people find this odd. After all, I have a blog. But to me, my reluctance to writing is perfectly logical. I don’t like it.

It hasn’t always been this way. I used to like nothing more than to write. In high school, I was recognized for my ability to write about grapes. In college, I started my own news publication.

Then I reached the pinnacle of the writing world—I became a blogger, eventually blogging on the highest level, the Internet. There, reality began to tear away at the fantasy world I had created, making me exactly like anyone who’s ever thought something was a good choice and then found it’s really not (e.g., the grown man who performs Britney Spears showcases at family parties; the kids who major in communication more than once).

I dreamed of the day that I would share a cyber space with like-minded grocery clerk revolutionaries, basking in the expression of hackneyed ideals, only to find that the only parts of our minds that were alike were the ones devoted to bananas and barefoot running.

Big deal, right? So my life is a lot like everyone’s. Who cares? Except that, in the example I live, the loss of innocence is even more pronounced.

So, after weeks of cultivating the public image of a devout born-again-in-waiting, I have decided to reveal to you some of the putridity that I’ve long known to exist. And I do so with the utmost benevolence. But prepare yourself. What I’m about to tell you is something that even a one-hour Pat Robertson interview couldn’t ever hope to do.

Blogging is escapism. It is the opiate of lost souls. Blogging does not help people grapple with the big issues of existence and purpose. That’s what watching LeBron James play basketball is for.

Oh, sure, there are those who disagree—those who paint blogging as participating in some type of democratic, synergistic woo-ha. And sometimes they are right. Sometimes, blogging achieves something close to truth, justice, and beauty.

But let’s be honest. Most people blog because they don't have King James in their life.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

My Interview with Tavis Smiley

Bad news. The tape of my interview with Tavis Smiley was stolen before it could air. Thank goodness for transcripts...

TAVIS SMILEY: Good evening from Los Angeles. I'm Tavis Smiley. Tonight, we continue our "Brilliant Minds" series in a conversation with up-and-coming gospel music sensation Meta Physics. Meta, we first met a couple years back at an inspirational music convention in San Diego. You've come quite a ways since. A top-selling debut album, televised concerts—what can we expect from you next?

META PHYSICS: I gotta new album coming soon, very soon. I’m just waiting for Dr. Dre to finish up ‘Detox’ so we can go head-to-head in first-week sales. Music been hurtin', so him and I decided to bum rush all your ear holes at the same time. Drake was supposed to be in on it too, but dude got scared.

TAVIS: And I hear you’re taking some cues from Ice Cube?

META: Yeah, we just starting working on a movie project together.

TAVIS: What's the film going to be about?

META: Well, Cube wanted some 'Are We There Yet?'' remix thing, but I convinced homeboy that we should go for something less risky and more familiar. So instead, we wrote a classic coming-of-age tale of a grocery clerk who decides to become a hitman.

TAVIS: Speaking of hits, some aspects of your work are arguably hardcore and uncharacteristic of gospel music. Case in point, the EP you released last year is an entire record dissing Kirk Franklin and God’s Property. The gospel genre is not usually known for producing public feuds amongst its artists. What made you decide to go this route? And why Kirk Franklin?

META: The Lord guided me this way. Kirk Franklin and I used to be tight. He’s the one who got me an audition on Sunday Best. But then he started creepin’ on my girl Roxanne Roxanne. He’d tell her that I wasn’t about positivity in the community and all this other stuff that just wasn’t true. So I was like, you steppin’ on my game, Imma step on yours. Eye for an eye—just like the Good Book says. That’s when I hollered at my man Michael Eric Dyson for some of that motivating epistemological apartheid fire.

TAVIS: But you and Kirk Franklin are both gospel artists. Doesn't this feuding run contradictory to the popular messages of the genre?

META: T, I bring the church to the streets. Plus, as a man of God, I have a responsibility to these kids.

TAVIS: Can you elaborate on this responsibility?

META: Uknowhutimsayin’.

TAVIS: Not entirely, but you mentioned that you worked with Michael Eric Dyson, a friend of mine. Are there any guest appearances or collaborations on the new album?

META: Yeah, Dave Hollister is on the album. Fred Hammond. And then I’ve got a church banger with Spice 1, Justin Bieber, and Swizz Beatz.

TAVIS: That’s quite a diverse roster. Might your efforts of musical amalgamation come from your upbringing as a jazz man? As I understand it, you’re closely connected to Chano Pozo, the great Latin jazz percussionist.

META: Yeah, my third cousin on my sister’s mechanic’s side is friends with the son of Pozo. Plus, I own like five albums by The Roots.

TAVIS: Good gosh oh mighty! You know, as a kid, I would always imagine myself playing in a…

META: (snores)

TAVIS: Before I let you go, I want to ask you about the reactions you’ve been receiving for the antics you bring to the world of gospel music. The beef, the diss tracks, the controversial videos not unlike the ones aired on BET: Uncut. There are those who are saying that you need to redeem yourself both as an artist and as a man. How do you respond to this criticism?

META: Redeem myself? Pleeeaze, I ain’t no coupon. All I got to say to the haters is that Meta Physics is running this mutha (bleeeeeeeeeeeeep) gospel game. Kirk Franklin, eat a (bleeeeeeeeeeep). God’s Property, eat a big fat (bleeeeeeeeeeeeep).

TAVIS: That's our show for tonight. Thanks for watching and, as always, keep the faith.