The Power of Theo

TheosoFest was a bit different than I expected. Get this. It was NOT a celebration of Theo Huxtable. Apparently, Theo is not short for Theoso. Still, despite the initial disappointment, I had an awesome time.

I started out my day at the Fest by attending a lecture on magic. And since I'm pretty smart, I know that the talk itself was a demonstration of magic. The speaker's use of terms like “astral” and “ethereal” to silicate oohs and aahs from the audience totally gave it away. I mean, that’s like, straight black magic. Trust me, I went to a high school in a suburb that had two Hot Topics.

After the lecture, I visited booths filled with healing crystal vendors, New Age chiropractors, and representatives from the religion of the Light and Sound of God. I wanted to get a toe reading, but the line was toe long. Instead, I got a psychic reading from a chain smoker named Linda. According to Linda, I’m an old-souled silent warrior who fought along side the Native Americans in many great battles and my life will really come together in 2014 once I’ve completed an online degree in spiritual facilitation. I know, she's good.

Once Linda and I returned to our respective realities, I almost drowned in a whirlpool of COEXIST stickers and Madame Blavatsky shrines. I didn’t drown though, because I two-wayed my spirit animal—a flying version of Grimace from McDonaldland—and he rescued me.

Grimace needed to refuel, so I fed him some plastic Indian food before piggybacking a flight to the most anticipated event of the Fest, the presentation “Bees: Why Are They Leaving? What Does It Mean?” Unfortunately, this presentation didn't have anything to do with the fate of the Wu-Tang Clan. That’s okay though, because the guy sitting next to me was a medium, and he channeled Malcolm-Jamal Warner’s future great grandchild—who then signed my 8 x 10 glossy of Theo with a zero energy Sharpie. Nice guy too, he only charged me 26 bucks. Oddly enough, that’s all the cash I had left.