Wednesday, September 9, 2009

i jus wanna b, i jus wanna b success-filled

With my 10-year high school reunion coming up in less than two weeks, I’m beginning to question this whole idea of success. What is it? Can I buy it online? And most importantly, does it come in periwinkle?

Yes, I’ll admit it, I’m a little concerned with how I’ll measure up to people I never cared for, got along with, and haven’t seen or talked to in a decade. I mean, don’t get it twisted, I think I’ve already lived a pretty full life. At 28 years young, I’ve held the Northern Illinois University Department of Communication Graduate Teaching Assistant NBA Jam Championship title, tried exotic foods like spinach, and posted “life is good” as my Facebook status. But I feel something is missing. Even my LinkedIn profile is only 90% complete.

So the challenge presents itself: How do I appear 100% for my reunion?

Here’s my plan. First, I’m going to merge two of the most popular schools of thought on life, the “Live, Love, Laugh” school and the “Love to Live Life” school. Once I’ve created this new life philosophy (a la Jeet Kune Do), I’ll self-publish it as an e-manual and skim a chapter each night before bed. Then, I’ll wake up really early to meet up with my MADE coach so we can decide what size long sleeve shirt I should get before we submit my late registration to the Rat Race. I’ll probably pick up a Nike + iPod as well.

That’s phase one. That’s the easy part. Phase two will consist of the difficult stuff: business cards and women. I’m not sure exactly what card design I’m gonna go with, but the current front-runner is a shrunken version of my vision board (“Meta Physics” in platinum on a jet black background with “Model-Millionaire-Movie Star” underneath).

As for the better/worse halves, I’ll be sending out a casting call on Twitter. This will be a great opportunity for a few lucky ladies to play my wife, my ex-wife, my second baby’s mama, and my current mistress. And please, don’t be offended if I ask you to audition for another role because you’re clearly more ex-wife than you are second baby’s mama.

Well, seeing that I don't have much time to do all this, I better get started the day after tomorrow. Hopefully, by September 19, I’ll be able to proudly introduce myself as “Meta Physics, now 10% better.” Won't nobody beat that with a stick a gum.


  1. As you first BestDateEvar client, I'd like to put in an application to play the role of ex-wife. I think I have the unique skill set necessary to not only represent myself in a role that is not (factually) accurate, but also to make you look 10% better. Like, in high-contrast and shit.

  2. Marj, thank you for your interest in this position. Your application is currently under review.