Thursday, August 25, 2011

All Natural Job Opportunities

I found these job ads on for a new health foods store in the Chicagoland area. Let me know if you're interested. I'll message you the link.


Position type: 1/3 time

Job ID: 60568

Position Overview:
As a member of our Retail Team, your role will include servicing the store’s fleet of u-boats.

Responsibilities & Duties:
  1. Comply with federal regulations and policies regarding organic cart transport systems.
  2. Follow advancements in u-boat theory and its application in holistic retail environments.
  3. Educate fellow staff on historical significance of mid-20th century submarine warfare.
  4. Perform other duties as assigned by Retail Team Leader, Associate Retail Team Leader, or Elias.
  1. A desire to work with blue objects.
  2. A desire to not knock over wine displays with u-boats.
  3. Ability to resist taking off the “U” part of the boat and using it as a sword.
  4. Lift loads exceeding 500 lbs unassisted.


Position type: Crucial

Job ID: 60449

Position Overview:
As a member of our Promotions Team, your role will include marketing bananas, marketing products with natural banana flavoring, and marketing products that promote banana consumption.

Responsibilities & Duties:
  1. Surprise and delight customers with 'gorilla' marketing techniques.
  2. Maximize banana size with company ray gun.
  3. Maximize banana quantity with company duplicator gun.
  4. Cater to and support banana culture in national, regional, and store programs.
  1. Ability to market yellow fruit proactively.
  2. Minimum of 2 years banana-eating experience or equivalent of 5000 consumed bananas.
  3. Must be currently of (or evolved from) the hominidae family.

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